Staring At The Sun
by Rashaka
Summary: SONGFIC! to the ^Offspring^ song! Um... spoilers for ep 17. Mostly introspection, Vash thinking about his life, Knives, his friends, and peace, love, & all that jazz. My 1st Trigun fic. [very] slight VxM, and not as long as it looks.


Artist:

AUTHOR'S NOTE:This is my first Trigun fanfic, and it's a songfic.I thought the lyrics here particularly applied to Vash, what with him dodging bullets, never conforming to expectations, and never giving in.And the music is a rush, kind of like his life.And, as a plus, the lead singer has spiky blond hair, just like Vash. ~_^This fic is a little more paced and sedated than the song really is though, mostly introspection. 

I've noticed Vash is more difficult to write about than other characters.Because of his contradictory nature it's much harder to get into Vash's thoughts than, say, Vegeta's or Usagi's or Heero's.

Any references to religion in this fanfic (slight, and only two I think), are the reflection of the character's beliefs, not mine.So please no preaching and no flaming over any of that.

"Staring At the Sun" is by Offspring.

Trigun was created by Yashiro Nightow, and it is him you may thank fervently for this most splendiferous, stupendous, stirring, stagy, and splitting mad anime/manga.

This one goes out to you, Rinoa-chan!Cause its _ALL_ABOUT _VASH!

Staring at the Sun  
By Rashaka

His eyes swam over the landscape.It was stark, sandy, and near to dead.It was a familiar sight.It was a familiar wasteland.

Maybe life is like a ride on a freeway  
Dodging bullets while you're trying to find your way

On days like today he wondered if he'd be condemned to wander forever.It still held interest for him after more than a century, but who wanted to be homeless for all eternity?Vash at times believed that might be what it would take to find himself.It didn't seem like he'd be getting his grays any time soon, either, so he could be at it for a very long time.And after all, he certainly couldn't stay in any one place forever; people noticed when you didn't age.Not to mention that rather annoying bounty that kept rearing its ugly head everywhere he went.Not that he wasn't flattered at the disgustingly gratuitous amount... but it was still irritating.It kept him from even TRYING to find a home.Everywhere he went, it was "Vash the Stampede this…", and "Vash the Stampede that…".They were all so busy trying to catch him that they only ended up harming themselves, when they could be doing something useful like helping each other or building new homes or taking care of lost children or feeding homeless people or baking doughnuts… he really didn't need to get started.He'd only work himself up again, and that would serve no purpose except to make him depressed.

Everyone's around, but no one does a damn thing  
It brings me down, but I won't let them

Not that he didn't like being depressed sometimes too.Heck, aside from eating and sleeping and drinking and walking and ogling at girls, brooding was his favorite pastime.He had a lot to brood on too... but the only person who knew about it was him.That was the really sucky part.Half the fun of brooding anyway was relishing the spiteful knowledge that everyone around you knew exactly why you were doing it.

If I seem bleak  
Well you'd be correct

He guessed he could tell someone about it.But who?Wolfwood?Nah.Out of the question.Wolfwood was better just being who he was.Besides, if the nosy priest really wanted to find out, he would eventually on his own anyway.Vash had never met anymore as stubborn as that man, except maybe himself. The Insurance girls then?Maybe.Milly would listen and it wouldn't change her opinion of him.She was great about stuff like that.Meryl certainly not; if you're nursing emotional baggage the one thing you don't want to do is dump it on the only person who's likely to go out and do anything about it.And she would, too—Meryl was amazing enough that she would actually try and fix his life.Truth be told, he didn't want anyone but him to do anything about it.It was his problem.It was his brother.Okay... maybe Legato wasn't really his problem.After all... it wasn't like he was related to Legato.And the guy was just way too scary.Better let the professionals handle that one.Wait.He beat the professionals regularly.So maybe that wasn't so great a plan after all.Damn.He always had to deal with Knives' messes.

And if I don't speak  
It's cause I can't disconnect

Knives.No there was someone whose mere mention made Vash's blood rage.It's a sad thing in the human world to hate your twin brother, but they weren't exactly human.And, if he were going to be honest with himself, he had no idea what he'd do once he found the other man.Vash had no intention of dying, but he wasn't prepared to kill either.Still, Knives had to be stopped, somehow.And yet… he couldn't take his life.Vash owed Rem that much at least, after what Knives did to her.As much as the monster hadn't deserved it, Rem had loved them both.Equally.And she had told him killing was wrong.Knives didn't listen, but Vash had.Knives was his responsibility now.

But I won't be burned up by the reflection  
Of the fire in your eyes  
As you're staring at the sun

And as his brother continued to wage his stupid, bloody game of death against the human race, Vash was destined, doomed, compelled to be on the other side, guns blazing.Knives was wrong, it was as simple as that.Vash would spend his entire life making Knives understand.He would fight back until those cold, familiar, horrible blue eyes saw the truth—or were blinded forever.

_As you're staring at the sun__  
__As you're staring at the sun__  
__As you're staring at the sun___

"Vash-san!Vash-san!" the voice rang out across the wastelands, and the humanoid typhoon brought a lighthearted smile to his face, turned, and welcomed the sight of a worn out Milly Thompson running haphazardly toward him.She came right up to him, panting and smiling like she had won the lottery.She saw his smile, and ginned even wider, taking it on face value.Vash was a little relieved, at least he wouldn't worry her if she thought he was happy—unlike Wolfwood who always saw right damn through him even when he didn't realize he was faking it.He found that habit extremely annoying, but didn't dare mention it because he'd only be proving the crazy churchman right.

_When I ran I didn't feel like a runaway  
When I escaped I didn't feel like I got away_

"Yeah Milly?" he answered, his sunglasses hiding his eyes.

The long haired woman blinked at him, then replied perkily, "I'm so glad I found you, Mr. Vash!Meryl's been looking all over for you!So has Mr. Priest!We have to clear out within the hour if we want to catch the ride through west desert.Meryl said when she found you she was going to skin your hide and lay you out on the rocks as a tribute to the continued survival of the local vulture families!Isn't that awfully scary?"Vash's smile became a little more genuine as he listened to the insurance girl say all of that in one long, sincerely cheerful spiel.Nothing fazed her, not even Meryl's viscous temper.He envied her a little for that. 

There's more to living than only surviving  
Maybe I'm not there, but I'm still trying

He also envied her a little for the kindess and affection Meryl showed her coworker that she almost never showed him.Vash would like to have be in Meryl's good graces at least once in a while, maybe see her smile at him a little more.But it seemed all he could ever do was get her mad, whether she found his playtime with children to be a lazy waste of energy, or found his penchant for enjoying himself with alcohol and parties to be outrageously irresponsible, or found his appreciation of the female body to be insulting—though why the hell that was he had no idea, she was a woman too, right?Whatever it was, Vash wished she would lighten up a bit; he'd rarely been graced her smile, and it was really cute.He wanted to see it more often.Sometimes he needed other people's smiles to remind him what a real smile was like.He liked hers though, more than he thought she realized.

_Though you hear me  
I don't think that you relate___

"Tell her I'll be along in a minute," Vash responded to the animated insurance agent."Don't worry, I won't be late and I promise I won't ditch you today."

"Great! See you soon then Vash-san!" Milly bubbled and turned merrily back toward the town below the hill.Vash's eyes followed her fondly.She is good for Wolfwood, he thought suddenly, and then shook his head.He wasn't going to try and play try and play matchmaker... with the way disasters hugged his footsteps that would be a really bad idea.Besides, maybe they didn't need his help anyway.Wolfwood already flirted with the woman constantly day in and day out.One thing Vash had learned from watching people over a long time was that they were never able to fool their hearts for very long.He just hoped they realized what they could have before it was too late.

When traveling with Vash The Stampede, the first Human Act of God, too late always seemed to be just around the corner.

My will is something  
That you can't confiscate

Just the thought made him nearly grimace, and his eyes drew back to the empty desert landscape again, seeking some kind of solace in the ocean of sand.Did people on this planet even know what an ocean was?Like him, they'd never seen one.He himself only knew it because of the studies he'd taken with Rem and Knives.If you've never seen something for yourself, what's to say it is real?No.That was the fool's path.He believed in peace, and he had never seen it.He believed in the God, and he'd never seen that either.He just had to keep reminding himself of Rem's dream.Rem's Eden.Someday, if the SEEDS plants finally completed their terra-forming project—providing he didn't accidentally blow them all up first—then the people of this planet just might have an ocean of their own.__

So forgive me, but I won't be frustrated  
By destruction in your eyes  
As you're staring at the sun

Maybe by then, after a few centuries of human mistakes and human trials, maybe by then people will have worked out their intentions, and have realized the value of human life.Until then, Vash thought bleakly, he'd have to just keep on going, tracking Knives and helping as many as he could in the interim.After all, in a world of blood, dust, tears and very small mercies, the task of a hunter of love was a hefty one, and always a work in progress.

A small, sardonic grin playing on his lips, Vash looked up at the sky.Above him two stars blazed blindingly in a wild blue sky.A deep breath welled up in his chest, and he let it out slowly, closing his eyes and letting the light warm his face.With a short sigh, a bittersweet smile, and clear eyes Vash rotated on his heel and ambled down the hill to the town where his first true friends in a century waited for him, the foot of his long scarlet coat collecting dust in the desert sand.__

As you're staring at the sun  
As you're staring at the sun  
As you're staring at the sun


End file.
